I love my friends. I especially love my guy friends. I learn so much about men from them.
Like for example, I didn’t know that it was possible to have a brown ring around the inside of a toilet bowl for two months without catching hepatitis A,B, and C. I also didn’t know that it takes four 24-packs of empty Coors Light bottles to cover an entire coffee table. And who knew somehow in the midst of old fast food bags, dirty laundry and beard shavings my best guy friend could maintain a healthy relationship. Huh. They must spend more time at her house than his. I’m not sure.
Still, it’s just interesting to me how different guys think compared to women. This particular guy friend of mine not only has a messy abode, but he has some interesting convictions about me and another female friend of ours. You see, him, this other female friend and I all basically grew up together, so we’re all close. In fact, they're like brother and sister to me.
Anyway, he called me yesterday just to say, hi, and he got to talking about how the three of us should all get a hotel room and “get crazy”. Now from a female’s perspective, I took this notion as him suggestion a potential threesome? He immediately bursts out laughing and says no, he meant like just hang out, catch up, blah, blah, blah… Then he pauses for a minute and says, “Wait, you two have never messed around?” (In reference to me and my girl). “Um no”, I responded, “Are you fucking retarded?” “No I’m serious,” he said. “Like you two have never gotten drunk, come home and bitched about how shitty guys are. Then got naked, kissed and one thing led to another?” “NO!” I yelled (laughing at this point). “What made you think that!?” “I don't know, but nothing,” he asked again. “Not even like a little kiss?” Really??? Wait, so guys think that females who are really close have lesbian tendencies? Is that the fantasy? Well, let me clear this up right now. When I come home with my friends drunk and bitch about a guy, we usually do it stuffing our faces with Jack-n-the-Box and then pass out in our heels and make-up. Waking up the next morning looking like a raccoon and wondering why our friend is face first in the toilet…imagine that.
Interviewing Ms Puddin
Hello, my little piggies. It's your Uncle Cunning here. How have you all been?
Good? That's good.
I've been at this blogging thing for a while now. The last time I blogged, it was because I stumbled across a great blogger and it inspired me. His name was ( and is ) Dave Lozo. Now, while Dave inspired me to stick with this whole blogging thing... he truly wasn't "my style" all of the time. That led me on a search to find other bloggers more like me. Other bloggers whom like you, inspire me. As you can see by the list on the right hand side I have an eclectic bunch of rabble rousers. They all have one thing in common. They are all REAL people. Sometimes the views and opinions conflict, sometimes they mirror my own.
I'd like you to meet the second blogger I ever found that inspired me. She and I get along like peas and carrots. You know the deal. Walk through the grocery store. I hold up a cucumber and she giggles. She holds up two cantaloupes and I chuckle. We both eventually get kicked out of the frozen foods section for melting everything just because we're both incredibly hot. *
Well, we played a little game of 10 questions and here's what came of it. Ms.P...... I luvs ya, you know that, tho. ( it's ok, we go back a ways, kids). Without much further ado.... I introduce you to Ms. Puddin. Enjoy.
"" Uh oh, this could be really bad or fucking awesome. "" ~ Ms. Puddin
1) To the new reader, please introduce yourself. Where from, what got you into blogging and WHERE on earth did the name "Ms Puddin" come from? You said it was from a cheesy pickup line but that's all. Care to elaborate? Since I'm a professional stalker I'll never reveal to my readers where I am exactly, but I am a Cali girl. Nothing much else to say about my name, just that I was walking to the club when I was like * ahem * 21? And this guy came up to me and said, "Damn baby, looking so good, like Fresh Banana Puddin' making me hungry." Since my friends were laughing so hard, the name kind of stuck.
2) We see the wild side of Ms Puddin a lot on your blog. Tell us about the quiet moments. Those introspective and reflective Ms Puddin times. What do you do when you are not raising hell and blogging about it? Well, I tried yoga on tape at home once before, but it was too slow and stretchy. So I did it in fast-forward and then it defeated the whole purpose. Sometimes I have introspective and reflective moments, but then my head starts to hurt and I have to stop. However, I do enjoy reading, writing and watching movies butt naked on my couch.
3) Great stuff we never knew! What about your hopes dreams and aspirations. What is next for the utterly multi-faceted "Ms."? What do you want to be when you grow up,hummmm? Well, technically I did grow up and boy does it suck. However, my dreams are to be a novelist, screenplay writer, columnist, and professional break-dancer. Then I want to marry some rich guy who is always away on business, so I can make the pool boy wear a Speedo and teach him how to make a martini.
4) Who (besides me, of course ) do you pay attention to in the blogging and internet community. Where can we find the fabulous Ms on the interweb. Care to share a few links from your blogroll and fav's list? Well you can catch me here or at my other softer spot mspsnothings (if ever update it). I also write for for My Crazy Music Blog and Queen B Cronicles. I have a few other projects that are pending...Shout out to Oh Hell Nawl! Perez Hilton, Sketchy Premise, NYC chick, Natural Muze, Mister U, Minus the Bars, Deutlich, THE Karrie B, C. Watson, Narm, Gsweet, Bella and Eb the Celeb (just to name a few), my entire bloggroll and ALL MY READERS!!! You all inspire me and make me want to be a better blogger. ;p
5) Trends in blogging. We've been around a little while. We've seen some good ones come and go. Where do you see yourself in the future of the blogosphere? What about blogging in general? Is it slowly going the way of myspace and just becoming passe'? Yes, some of my favorite bloggers have stopped blogging and went and got themselves a life. Unbelievable! How dare they! I definitely think that blogging is becoming more of a trend versus a pastime. I want to believe that blogging will continue on forever in time. And as new the people discover blogging it will rotate some of the older ones out like some of my previous favorites. So eventually, I will have to move on. So sad.
6) Is there a post from somebody else's blog that you immediately saw and went "Wow. I really wish I had written THAT! It spoke directly to me and was awesome". Hmmm, lets see. Well definitely if someone is funnier than me I get mad. I go to my room and cry. How dare anyone be funnier than me!? Although, College Callgirl always has some awesome stories, NYC chick, Narm, C. Watson and Surviving Myself all crack me up. And Perez Hilton just always seems to have the juice in first. I'm jealous.
7) I know this is a cliche' question, but I have to ask. If you could have dinner with any grouping of people dead or alive, who would it be and why? Tupac and Elvis are wildcards because nobody knows for sure, keep that in mind. Oh man, I had this all worked out at one point in time. Let me see...I know I would like one funny person so like Richard Pryor. A political person, Barak Obama. A hottie, a ditz and a crazy bitch all wrapped in one package, so the Kardashian sisters. Kim can bring her boyfriend too, because then I could feel him up under the table. I'm all about the comedy and the music, so anyone in those two categories is invited, dead or alive.
8) You have a LOT of male readers who would love a night of fun with the Ms. Let us in on a few secrets of what it takes to push your buttons the right way. Is it a scent? An attitude? Just what does it take in a man to have that "He drives me crazy" feeling from you. You know it really amazes me after how many stories I tell about hopping fences and alcohol abuse that guys are still interested. I would say not walk, but run in the other direction. Yeah I'm fucking hot and good in bed, but don't make the same mistake as Diddy and fall for a big booty and a smile. I'm just saying. I love persistence in a man. Not a creepy, leery impression, but someone who give me the attention I need at the right time. Good luck figuring that out though, because even I don't know.
9) The bucket list..... You have a year to live ( don't get nervous, it's a hypothetical statement ). What are some of the things you've never done that you would just have to accomplish? Skydive? Base-jump? Ruin me for other women on the planet once and for all? Let's have it. Base-jump? Well, after I ruin you for other women on the planet once and for all ( Thank you Jesus, Cunning), I would sky dive, go streaking, try an exotic food, stay sober for a week, get breast implants, move somewhere drastic and act a damn fool like Queen Latifah in Holiday.
10) I'm going to steal this last one because it draws such great responses. "Assuming there is a God and heaven. What do you want him/her to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?" Well I'm going to be chilling with the Devil, so I hope he says, "your table is ready."
**** Bonus Question **** ~ You are running for President. You have ONE statement to make in order to win your office. What do you want to say to the people. What are the issues that matter most to you and why. Sex education, and health care are two things that concern me. However, they both lead to a long line of debate and complications. So I'm going to leave that alone for now. Although, I will say I am a follower of Barak Obama and I have a feeling if he leads we will be in good hands.
I've been at this blogging thing for a while now. The last time I blogged, it was because I stumbled across a great blogger and it inspired me. His name was ( and is ) Dave Lozo. Now, while Dave inspired me to stick with this whole blogging thing... he truly wasn't "my style" all of the time. That led me on a search to find other bloggers more like me. Other bloggers whom like you, inspire me. As you can see by the list on the right hand side I have an eclectic bunch of rabble rousers. They all have one thing in common. They are all REAL people. Sometimes the views and opinions conflict, sometimes they mirror my own.
I'd like you to meet the second blogger I ever found that inspired me. She and I get along like peas and carrots. You know the deal. Walk through the grocery store. I hold up a cucumber and she giggles. She holds up two cantaloupes and I chuckle. We both eventually get kicked out of the frozen foods section for melting everything just because we're both incredibly hot. *
Well, we played a little game of 10 questions and here's what came of it. Ms.P...... I luvs ya, you know that, tho. ( it's ok, we go back a ways, kids). Without much further ado.... I introduce you to Ms. Puddin. Enjoy.
"" Uh oh, this could be really bad or fucking awesome. "" ~ Ms. Puddin
1) To the new reader, please introduce yourself. Where from, what got you into blogging and WHERE on earth did the name "Ms Puddin" come from? You said it was from a cheesy pickup line but that's all. Care to elaborate? Since I'm a professional stalker I'll never reveal to my readers where I am exactly, but I am a Cali girl. Nothing much else to say about my name, just that I was walking to the club when I was like * ahem * 21? And this guy came up to me and said, "Damn baby, looking so good, like Fresh Banana Puddin' making me hungry." Since my friends were laughing so hard, the name kind of stuck.
2) We see the wild side of Ms Puddin a lot on your blog. Tell us about the quiet moments. Those introspective and reflective Ms Puddin times. What do you do when you are not raising hell and blogging about it? Well, I tried yoga on tape at home once before, but it was too slow and stretchy. So I did it in fast-forward and then it defeated the whole purpose. Sometimes I have introspective and reflective moments, but then my head starts to hurt and I have to stop. However, I do enjoy reading, writing and watching movies butt naked on my couch.
3) Great stuff we never knew! What about your hopes dreams and aspirations. What is next for the utterly multi-faceted "Ms."? What do you want to be when you grow up,hummmm? Well, technically I did grow up and boy does it suck. However, my dreams are to be a novelist, screenplay writer, columnist, and professional break-dancer. Then I want to marry some rich guy who is always away on business, so I can make the pool boy wear a Speedo and teach him how to make a martini.
4) Who (besides me, of course ) do you pay attention to in the blogging and internet community. Where can we find the fabulous Ms on the interweb. Care to share a few links from your blogroll and fav's list? Well you can catch me here or at my other softer spot mspsnothings (if ever update it). I also write for for My Crazy Music Blog and Queen B Cronicles. I have a few other projects that are pending...Shout out to Oh Hell Nawl! Perez Hilton, Sketchy Premise, NYC chick, Natural Muze, Mister U, Minus the Bars, Deutlich, THE Karrie B, C. Watson, Narm, Gsweet, Bella and Eb the Celeb (just to name a few), my entire bloggroll and ALL MY READERS!!! You all inspire me and make me want to be a better blogger. ;p
5) Trends in blogging. We've been around a little while. We've seen some good ones come and go. Where do you see yourself in the future of the blogosphere? What about blogging in general? Is it slowly going the way of myspace and just becoming passe'? Yes, some of my favorite bloggers have stopped blogging and went and got themselves a life. Unbelievable! How dare they! I definitely think that blogging is becoming more of a trend versus a pastime. I want to believe that blogging will continue on forever in time. And as new the people discover blogging it will rotate some of the older ones out like some of my previous favorites. So eventually, I will have to move on. So sad.
6) Is there a post from somebody else's blog that you immediately saw and went "Wow. I really wish I had written THAT! It spoke directly to me and was awesome". Hmmm, lets see. Well definitely if someone is funnier than me I get mad. I go to my room and cry. How dare anyone be funnier than me!? Although, College Callgirl always has some awesome stories, NYC chick, Narm, C. Watson and Surviving Myself all crack me up. And Perez Hilton just always seems to have the juice in first. I'm jealous.
7) I know this is a cliche' question, but I have to ask. If you could have dinner with any grouping of people dead or alive, who would it be and why? Tupac and Elvis are wildcards because nobody knows for sure, keep that in mind. Oh man, I had this all worked out at one point in time. Let me see...I know I would like one funny person so like Richard Pryor. A political person, Barak Obama. A hottie, a ditz and a crazy bitch all wrapped in one package, so the Kardashian sisters. Kim can bring her boyfriend too, because then I could feel him up under the table. I'm all about the comedy and the music, so anyone in those two categories is invited, dead or alive.
8) You have a LOT of male readers who would love a night of fun with the Ms. Let us in on a few secrets of what it takes to push your buttons the right way. Is it a scent? An attitude? Just what does it take in a man to have that "He drives me crazy" feeling from you. You know it really amazes me after how many stories I tell about hopping fences and alcohol abuse that guys are still interested. I would say not walk, but run in the other direction. Yeah I'm fucking hot and good in bed, but don't make the same mistake as Diddy and fall for a big booty and a smile. I'm just saying. I love persistence in a man. Not a creepy, leery impression, but someone who give me the attention I need at the right time. Good luck figuring that out though, because even I don't know.
9) The bucket list..... You have a year to live ( don't get nervous, it's a hypothetical statement ). What are some of the things you've never done that you would just have to accomplish? Skydive? Base-jump? Ruin me for other women on the planet once and for all? Let's have it. Base-jump? Well, after I ruin you for other women on the planet once and for all ( Thank you Jesus, Cunning), I would sky dive, go streaking, try an exotic food, stay sober for a week, get breast implants, move somewhere drastic and act a damn fool like Queen Latifah in Holiday.
10) I'm going to steal this last one because it draws such great responses. "Assuming there is a God and heaven. What do you want him/her to say to you when you reach the pearly gates?" Well I'm going to be chilling with the Devil, so I hope he says, "your table is ready."
**** Bonus Question **** ~ You are running for President. You have ONE statement to make in order to win your office. What do you want to say to the people. What are the issues that matter most to you and why. Sex education, and health care are two things that concern me. However, they both lead to a long line of debate and complications. So I'm going to leave that alone for now. Although, I will say I am a follower of Barak Obama and I have a feeling if he leads we will be in good hands.
Ok I was checking out -1-’s blog over the weekend and she had posted a clip from the Queens of Comedy with Sommore. Her nasty ass was talkin’ sh*t about the penis (of course), but not just any penis, little penis. She was commenting on why guys with little d*cks act surprised when you get to that part, like they just found out it was little too. I was busting up, because this has happened to me before. I mean, I must say I’ve been pretty blessed for what I’ve been given in the penis-packaging department. The few * ahem * yes few, (looks over shoulder) I’ve seen have been worth my while, but there was this Yes, this one penis that made me mad. Well not so much as mad, just confused as hell… It was like my sophomore year of college. I met this tall, sweet, handsome-chocolate-martini kind of guy. Bonus, he was also a Q, but he was different then all the other Qs. He wasn’t trying to dawg me out. I could just tell by the way he treated me. I was juiced. Ms Puddin’ was going to get her some chocolate, Q, lovin’!Oh yes! So we got all into the moment, rollin’ around on my bed, kissing, caressing, and all that good stuff. When I reached down and wrapped my hand around what felt like my own index finger! WTF? I was so disappointed I pushed him off me, rolled over and went to sleep. I didn’t say anything. I spent the rest of the night with that little penis fingering my back.(Maybe that’s why I don’t like cuddling. I’m traumatized). I’m sorry, but WOW. Some things I can work with don’t get me wrong. And I'm not one of those girls that needs a mandingo, but that has got to be…don’t want, don’t want, don’t want…lol <!--[if !supportEmptyParas]-->
I went to my friend’s engagement dinner/congratulatory party/death sentence on Friday and there wasn’t a bar. We toasted the soon to be bride and groom with sparkling apple cider. Boo.
Yes folks it’s gotten to the point in my life where if someone tells me their pregnant I can say, “congratulations!” instead of, “Oh sh*t, what are you going to do?” And when someone announces an engagement I have to show up and pretend to care. Well, deep down I do care. I’m really happy for my friend, but engagement parties and baby showers are not really my forte. I prefer something a little more erotic and captivating, with a bar.
There is nothing like a Friday night, mingling sober with other singles who ask you stupid questions like, “when are you getting married?” Well, you have to have something called a man to get married to first, genius.
Then I started to panic. Why am I single? Should I go to the Humane Society to start picking out my 20 cats now? (Naw, f*ck that, I hate cats). Could it be that I’m greedy klutz who has no idea what she wants? Eek! My disastrous dating past started flashing through my mind…
I remember this one time, when I used to date this one guy, (and this one time, at band camp) I was over at his house waiting for him to get off of work. On the coffee table there was a giant glass bowl of M&Ms. Instead of reaching and grabbing just a few M&Ms, my greedy ass went and grabbed the whole bowl. The glass crushed in my hand. (Stupid cheap bowl, grrr). M&Ms flew everywhere and my hand started squirting blood.
I called 911, but they wouldn’t give me any medical advice over the phone and it wasn’t serious enough to call an ambulance. So with blood running down my arm, I quickly picked up all the M&Ms and glass. When he came home about ten minutes later he had to help me get the circulation back into my hand, which had turned a nice shade of blue.
Another time I was dating this other guy (not at band camp) and right before he came over, fatty ate a whole package of red licorice. When he got there we got into this discussion of things we liked and disliked in the opposite sex. One of his vices was when girls threw up, it was a turn off to him. Needless to say, not too soon after that conversation, all that red licorice kicked in and I started projectile vomiting (uncontrollably) a funky red liquid all over him.
Oops my bad. :(
The first time I had sex with my ex, I had stuffed my bra with socks. Usually when I (would *ahem*) stuff my bra I’d do the quick pull out when nobody’s looking. Unfortunately that night I wasn’t quick enough and when he felt me up, he found my thick ass socks. (On the plus side he did end up wearing them to work the next day).
Dating sucks. So do engagement parties without alcohol. I don’t see what the big deal is about being single. I’m enjoying this thing called life people!
MsP
I’m torn.
I’m deciding if the night scene of bars, booze and loud annoying drunk people is still my ‘thing’. More productive projects are underway, but going out used to be somewhat therapeutic. So I decided to make a list, to weed out the reasons why my ass is still booty shaking in the club. So here are my Pros and Cons of going to the club/bar:
-I can wear my 4-inch stiletto heels and dress up like my version of a celebrity, without having to hear, “what are you so dressed up for?” “Where are you going?” or “Who are you trying to impress?” I can simply say, “I’m going out.”
Con-creepy drunk guy stares at me all night like I’m a Border Chophouse steak and sends me I-want-to-smear-butter-all-over-your-body eyes all night
Pro- networking; possibly having interesting conversations and meeting lots of new people
Con- not understanding a f*cking thing that comes out of anyone’s mouth, due to loud music and extensive $3 well drinks
Pro- shaking my ass on the dance floor
Con- creepy drunk guy coming up behind me on the dance floor and pushing up against me so that his d*ck manages to go right up the crack of my ass
Pro- cute guy in the blue buttoned-up shirt buys me a drink and tells me I’m beautiful (score! :D)
Con- HATERS!! (this is for that b*tch who got mad because I “bumped into her.” Please note: you are in the club, it is full to capacity, someone is going to touch you and quite possibly spill a little of your drink. If this bothers you, then stay your ol’ grumpy ass home. Thanks:))
Pro- giving cute guy in the blue buttoned-up shirt my phone number
Con- his baby mama throwing a tantrum
Pro- getting hook-up on free drinks
Con- barf = not hot
Pro- not knowing how my night will end
Con- not knowing how my night will end
Pro- cute guy in the blue buttoned-up shirt calls me
Con- I can’t remember his name :(
I guess it’s going to be another Blockbuster night…*sigh*
and other thoughts about the penis...
Lately I’ve noticed I have, give-my-number-out-to-any-guy-who-asks-for-it, syndrome. I mean I’ve always done this, but never sober. Tasting Fresh Banana Puddin’ shouldn’t be this easy (desperate). I don’t know what has happened to me. Ever since my perfect boyfriend in high school, things seemed to have gone down hill in the dating department. If my man wasn’t busy sticking his shaboinka in foreign vaginas while we are supposed to be in love, he’s turned out to be a pothead or has a bad case of frugalitis. (Can a sista get a happy meal)!? There has been an interesting cast of characters over the years… I've had from, bad kissers to bad tippers, guys with no cars and guys with crazy sisters
One time I called my ex to tell him I was thinking about him and I hoped he was thinking of me too. (I was having a girl moment. Sue me). In response he told me he wasn't thinking about me, because he was too busy playing video games. Go ahead and laugh because I did. I was like, damn, what a waste. I gave this guy my number and was nice to him, for nothing. Maybe I should lower my standards. I might be too picky. When I give out my number I’m going to start giving a quick, are-your-standards-low-enough-to-taste-Puddin’, test:
1. Do you brush your teeth and shower on a daily basis? Weekly?
2. If you had to choose between an ice-cold beer and having sex with me, which one would you choose?
3. What are your hobbies? Could rubbing my feet become one of them?
4. Do you have a GED? College degree? A job?
5. Are you married?
6. If you have a kid, is he/she a snot nosed brat or could you see us watching Saturday morning cartoons together?
7. Name three women body parts that don’t start with the letter B…
8. Stick out your tongue and say, “I like Fresh Banana Puddin.’
9. Is your bank account negative, with a note attached that says, “You will never catch up”?
10. Do you watch, “A Shot At Love: Tila Tequila,” on MTV? “The Bachelor”? “Extreme Make Over: Home Edition”? (Please say no).
My next step, lesbianism…
On my last post I displayed a photo of Angel’s booty. A booty that should be in a museum or have a special toilet made for it or something. Just unnecessary junk and of course Slaus said, “I’d hit it tho.” I find this funny, because I am always hearing my guy friends talkin’ shit about this chick or that chick in mainstream media. However, after they get through expressing unlimited reasons why a chick is so repulsive, the end result is always, “I’d still hit it.” So I guess this post is mainly for my male readers, but ladies, feel free to drop one in if necessary. The question today is would you still hit it? “Superhead” aka Karrine Steffans is known for writing a book about how she f*cked her way to the top. She is currently in the process of releasing another book about more dudes she did the nasty with. Her book, supposedly, is a message for women about how men are scumbags and life ain’t easy. Well no sh*t. I didn’t have to f*ck 50 Cent and his posse to figure that one out. Thanks “Superhead” you really are a gem. And to all the guys out there, um hello! If she is having sex with you please believe she is going to put you on blast! But, they don’t call her “Superhead” for nothing, so would you still hit it? 
“New York”, aka Tiffany, shot to fame from the popular VH1 hit “Flava of Love”, which gave her a name and the “I Love New York” show. I just don't get why anyone would want to fall in love with the Queen of drag. Fellas, if the facts are that the b*tch and her mama are both crazy is not enough to have you running in the other direction, maybe the idea that she let Flava Flava d*ck her down. Would you still hit it?
I guess putting Britney in this list is kind of pushing it, but we’ve all seen her vagina. So basically having seen the merchandise you are one step up. Would you still hit it?
Last but not least, I gotta add Kim Kardashian to this list. I must admit Kim is a gorgeous young lady, however she is not the brightest crayon in the box. She had sex with Brandy’s little brother Ray J and videotaped it. Kim, I know you are best friends with Paris, but the sex tape idea is played. It’s so not hot. I love how after she made the tape she posed nude for Playboy and tried to justify her in discrepancies. Saying something about how she didn’t want people to get the wrong idea about her. I’m sorry what were you saying Kim? I was too distracted by your naked vagina. So tell me, would you still hit it?
“New York”, aka Tiffany, shot to fame from the popular VH1 hit “Flava of Love”, which gave her a name and the “I Love New York” show. I just don't get why anyone would want to fall in love with the Queen of drag. Fellas, if the facts are that the b*tch and her mama are both crazy is not enough to have you running in the other direction, maybe the idea that she let Flava Flava d*ck her down. Would you still hit it?
I guess putting Britney in this list is kind of pushing it, but we’ve all seen her vagina. So basically having seen the merchandise you are one step up. Would you still hit it?
Last but not least, I gotta add Kim Kardashian to this list. I must admit Kim is a gorgeous young lady, however she is not the brightest crayon in the box. She had sex with Brandy’s little brother Ray J and videotaped it. Kim, I know you are best friends with Paris, but the sex tape idea is played. It’s so not hot. I love how after she made the tape she posed nude for Playboy and tried to justify her in discrepancies. Saying something about how she didn’t want people to get the wrong idea about her. I’m sorry what were you saying Kim? I was too distracted by your naked vagina. So tell me, would you still hit it?
I come back to blogging after a productive holiday of debauchery and shakin’ my ass, only to discover some things that I am not too happy about. I am already having a hard enough time understanding why every guy on the planet has Guitar Hero 1, 2 and 3, when some current events as of late started giving me the BGs (bubble guts). I’d like to take this time to point fingers and over analyze what the f*ck is going on…
By Ms Fresh Banana Puddin’
Why do men get your number, call you, then ask, “So when are you going to take out?” Huh? You got my number smart one...
Why do women cry, over analyze and complain about everything? It can't possibly be that bad...
Why do men insist that a woman’s salty mood is always caused by PMS? Can I not just be having a bad day?
Why do women always dress like they’re trying to catch a man, but then go home and talk about how no good any of them really are? No comment
Why do men say that you never call them, when you just did, twice, but couldn’t leave a voicemail because their mailbox was full? You know who you are...
Why do women hate on other women over a man? The sea is big, very big...
Why do men not understand the definition of girlfriend or wife? My understanding of this concept, is that you are not eligible to date...
Why do women get the good guy, but want the bad guy, but want the bad guy to be good? Make up your mind woman!!!
Why do men insist on scratching their balls in public? Gross, just gross...
Why do men wear those shorts that cut off at the ankles so they look more like high pants than shorts? The point of shorts is to keep cool, when it's hot outside...
Why do men say “I’ll call you later”, but they call like two days later and ask you “what happened”? I don't know, you tell me...
Why do men always complain about wearing a condom when they are very aware of STDs and having sex = having babies? Again, no comment...
Sorry ran out of weird things that women do, because in all honesty we are not that bad. Men, are the ones with the problem, seriously. If you don’t fit in any of these categories guys, you are off the hook, but if you do, can you please explain to me WHY?
Am I over analyzing?
In case no one went out to celebrate on my behalf yesterday, it’s ok, because I did. Well, actually I was on a date and had one to many glasses of wine. I always drink too much on dates. Then I wake up the next morning curious as to why a tub of Crisco is smeared all over my body and “I’ll take you to the candy shop,” is on repeat in my stereo.
Last night wasn’t any different. And yes for those of you who seem so concerned about my love life, I’m dating again. Between all this bitching and moaning about being single, I love it. Really I do. It’s a blessing. I’m enjoying my freedom. (Cue the violins, because this lonely bitch needs to get laid). But to put a few of my reader’s minds at rest (*hint*, *hint*) I want to say that for the record, I met someone. He’s a cool cat. I appreciate him. He’s on salary and has good credit.
I guess I would call last night a double date. It was my date and I, his boy and his boy’s “friend”. (Whatever that means). We all went to the comedy club because my date said he had got an email Bruce Bruce was performing.
When we got there it was really Bruce something or other from, “Last Comic Standing”. I don’t know, but he was a tall white guy, not a fat, black Bruce Bruce. Apparently, he only performs on Fridays.
The guys wanted to leave, but I talked them into staying. I told them if we got drunk enough it would be a great show! Of course most comedy clubs have a two-drink minimum anyway. I think it's to make the comedians funnier. Whatever, I’ll pass your minimum and raise you drunk. Man I was drunk last night.
After the show, I hugged every single guy that went on stage and told them their act was the best. Then we went to grab a bite to eat and I think I got more food around my mouth than actually in it. I remember my date wiping the sides of my mouth for me. (Thanks man). There was also a local band playing at the food joint. I was, of course, the only one dancing.
It was around this time he took me home. I hope he calls again…
“It’s only bad if you get caught.”
Today I figured out why I am always the last to know... I have a big mouth. I can’t keep a secret to save my life. Not one of my best qualities unfortunately. If I was being interrogated, somebody’s going to jail. So a guy friend of mine confessed his fantasy love for a local artist during a live venue a few weeks back. After the show, I managed to get a picture of them together, even though he was (shy) reluctant. He got mad at me for introducing them, but disappeared and I caught him later, bragging about the picture to some of our other friends. Calling miss fantasy artist his, “future wifey.” So, fast forward a couple weeks later and I go to this launch party in the city for my girl’s fashion show. In the show modeling some of the clothes is none other than miss fantasy artist herself! After the show she is by herself backstage, so I go up to her and open my big mouth. (Ms P is not a matchmaker, matchmaker I am not). I ask her if she remembers me. She does! (Yay I knew I was unforgettable). So anyway, I remind her about my boy. And what do you know she’s single, thinks he’s cute and even better, is interested. If I asked for her number she might of thought it was a ploy for me to get down her pants. So instead I told her I would forward her his MySpace. Which I did, but here is where I f*ck up. That last move should have been it on my part. I should have let the cards fall and peaced the f*ck out. But oh no! I sent him a msg saying that “I know you are going to love me and hate me all at the same time,” which he responded by saying, “what did you do, because if it has anything to do with fantasy artist, I’m pissed!” (Still shy).
I’m starting to get the vibe that I either have really bad taste in men or my taste is so impeccable that I can’t find a guy to meet my criteria.
Disregarding the fact that all my friends hate my ex-boyfriends, I still don't think it's fair that every time I meet a new guy my friends are always telling me, “you could do better”. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt (sometimes), because I have been known (on more than one occasion) to be intoxicated while giving out my number.
Inexplicably it’s amazing how I often can’t remember the events of any particular night, but still get phone calls later that week from random guys I've “met”. (There are several numbers I have saved in my cell phone under, “don’t know”). And I’ll admit to having a fatal attraction to “bad boys”; the bonafide assholes seem to be my type.
In my mind, the idea of fighting with a man and the possibility of him throwing me up against a wall before we make out is totally hot. It turns me on. Although, dealing with a man of this nature in real life, as opposed to my twisted fantasies, I might end up having to press charges.
I wish that the bad boys that I meet could instead be like in the movies. In the movies the bad boy is more of a hero. There is only one girl he desires and therefore, he is somewhat of an infatuated, unbalanced stalker all rolled into one. Throughout the movie the bad boy’s past unfolds and he struggles to overcome his pain. Thus, turning him into a good boy and by the end of the movie his sexuality comes into question.
Take Spider man for example, now there’s a bad boy heroine that needs to get laid. Yet, on the plus side he’s harmless. So maybe it’s not the hero that does it for me, maybe I’m more into the villain. The guy that is just evil for no apparent reason. He has no family or background except for maybe a son that is a good bad guy, who comes for revenge after living up to an abusive childhood.
Although, from that perspective my bad boy concept transforms into some kind of Star Wars manipulation and Darth Vader doesn’t really do it for me. He would at least have to take off his mask if he’s ever getting down my pants. I want to see what is behind the mask and look deep into the eyes of the man he truly could be.
And there I go being a woman again. Always trying to change a man. I think I’m going to stick to my fantasies, at least then I will always be satisfied...
Disregarding the fact that all my friends hate my ex-boyfriends, I still don't think it's fair that every time I meet a new guy my friends are always telling me, “you could do better”. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt (sometimes), because I have been known (on more than one occasion) to be intoxicated while giving out my number.
Inexplicably it’s amazing how I often can’t remember the events of any particular night, but still get phone calls later that week from random guys I've “met”. (There are several numbers I have saved in my cell phone under, “don’t know”). And I’ll admit to having a fatal attraction to “bad boys”; the bonafide assholes seem to be my type.
In my mind, the idea of fighting with a man and the possibility of him throwing me up against a wall before we make out is totally hot. It turns me on. Although, dealing with a man of this nature in real life, as opposed to my twisted fantasies, I might end up having to press charges.
I wish that the bad boys that I meet could instead be like in the movies. In the movies the bad boy is more of a hero. There is only one girl he desires and therefore, he is somewhat of an infatuated, unbalanced stalker all rolled into one. Throughout the movie the bad boy’s past unfolds and he struggles to overcome his pain. Thus, turning him into a good boy and by the end of the movie his sexuality comes into question.
Take Spider man for example, now there’s a bad boy heroine that needs to get laid. Yet, on the plus side he’s harmless. So maybe it’s not the hero that does it for me, maybe I’m more into the villain. The guy that is just evil for no apparent reason. He has no family or background except for maybe a son that is a good bad guy, who comes for revenge after living up to an abusive childhood.
Although, from that perspective my bad boy concept transforms into some kind of Star Wars manipulation and Darth Vader doesn’t really do it for me. He would at least have to take off his mask if he’s ever getting down my pants. I want to see what is behind the mask and look deep into the eyes of the man he truly could be.
And there I go being a woman again. Always trying to change a man. I think I’m going to stick to my fantasies, at least then I will always be satisfied...
I got the chance to catch up with Slaus from over at Oh Hell Nawl this week and we got into one of our usual random ass conversations…
MsP: Slaus, how’s it goin'? Back problems? Old lady giving you trouble?
Slaus: Hey baby thanks for having me here on your blog n ish! I really appreciate the chance to get away from the shenanigans of my family and then the staff. It's like a damn party filled with meth-addicted monkeys, but without the high and the monkey's are throwing shyt on my walls and trying to sodomise me with damn jolly ranchers! Who does that?
MsP: Um, I couldn't tell ya. Soooo... the Web site you're a slave to, Oh Hell Nawl, is becoming really popular.When was the last time someone you know made you go "Oh Hell Nawl"?
Slaus: Slave is right doll! I kinda feel fortunate, because I see ignant shyt all day every day ya know. Just Monday I was at work and saw this lil hot blonde chick getting on the elevator. Since I could see the elevator was going down, I ran and jumped in also. You should have seen the look on her face! Not because a Big ol black dude jumped on the elevator with her, it's because she obviously thought she was gonna take the ride by herself.. cuz she pooted. I mean it had to be her, cuz there was no one else there but she and I. Must have been one of those lingering ass lingering kinda poots too I bet. All I know is: It smelled like Ha Ha Hell. Damn shame for a girl that fine to poot a cloud of what could be mistaken for Lean cuisines and lama dick. Nasty. She WAS fine though. But I'd have to question her diet. Smellin like that.
MsP: Damn, that will teach you to take the stairs. Have any of your staff ever got into it?
Slaus: The question isn't IF they have, the question is when DON'T we fight. I -mean- fiiiiight. There isn't a week that goes by, when someone doesn't say to me: " Fugg this, you can fire me then!" or " I know that bytch didn’t say what I think she said to me," and my favorite: " You need to get such n such before I cuss them the fugg out! I aint playing!" Most of the time the anger is based at me though, and it's completely deserved. I can be a hard person to work for. Shyt, just Wednesday I fought with my Marketing Manager for an hour over messenger, then fought with my Sales Manager that afternoon!
MsP: Once yall get it together and quit fighting, what are your plans for OHN?
Slaus: GET. PUBLISHED. I am SO sincere. The first goal is to get published by 2009, 2010 at the latest. But it’s going to be really difficult to do so with the way the strip is set up right now. It is a real problem and real talk? It keeps me up at nights sometime. Thank God for Sex n martini’s to bring me back to earth!
MsP: Do you have any blogging rituals? Ex: stretching, finger aerobics, lots of booze, etc. ?
Slaus: I blog at my best usually when I find some quiet time, got some Jimi Hendrix or Lenny Kravitz playing, and a dirty martini with three olives. Im boojie. A good martini is the way to go... matter of fact? Where are the dranks? No dranks, and you haven’t flashed boobs once in this interview. This is some booolshyt.
MsP: My bad, vodka and cran or gin and tonic?
Slaus: Gin n Tonic.. or dirty Martini with three gourmet olives. Not those fake ass fake pimento ass Albertson shyts either. Gourmet dammit! Yeah, I’m unapologetically boojie.
MsP: How about, Grape juice or grape drink?
Slaus: Grape anything is nasty as hale!
MsP: Ok, what about orange juice or drank? Red drink???
Slaus: Ok red drank! Definitely. Does that mean I get to keep my Black Card? Cuz you know grape drink is like a Black staple. Every black house from the hood to the Hamptons has a packet of grape koolaid somewhere in the crib! But you know we gotta mix it with other shyt like a lil lemonade.. lil orange drink. Shit.. if there was a chemist degree for mixing koolaid? Black folks would have phd’s a plenty!
MsP: You always talking about some black folks sh*t. If you were stuck on Neverland Ranch with Michael Jackson, what would you do?
Slaus: Slap the dog shyt out of his dumb ass. Why the fugg a beautiful black man, wanna turn himself into an ugly ass white woman? Looking like skeletor n shyt. I expect us to see Michael Jackson in a purple cloak n shyt within a few years, tryna take over Castle Gray skull... watch.
MsP: I would never think of doing that, slapping MJ, that is. Was there ever a moment in time where someone said something really profound when you weren't expecting him or her to? Have you ever shocked yourself?
Slaus: I remember back in the day when I was the typical knucklehead, my Uncle Keith told me: Obstacles exist only when you take your eyes off of the goal. Girl, that shyt has defined my life ever since. That and the biggie Lyric: Damn right/ If Their heads right/ Biggie there ery night! That's real. Shyt I have shocked myself plenty of times when thinking of funny things to say. Lot's of it I don't think will ever see print. It's some shyt i'd hav to save for the stage or something.
MsP: Speaking of Biggie, did you like it better when we called Sean Combs, Puff Daddy, P. Diddy or Diddy?
Slaus: Ion't care if that negro wanna be called captain Kookoocachoo. GIVE US ANOTHER BIGGIE CALIBER ARTIST DAMMIT! And make Sean John clothing comfy in a 3XL bytch! Diddy ass diddy.
MsP: Of the stories you tell, I see you've done a lot of crazy things on your lifetime. What's the craziest thing you've ever done for sex? For money? Have you ever had sex for money?
Slaus: LOL Oh snap! Good question! I've never fugged for money. Other than Ron Jeremy, who the hell is paying a fat man for dick? That's just un-American, unsavory, and foolish. Back in the day though, I did have my boys let the air out of a chicks tires, so she had to stay over for the night. The ass was terrible. I was ready to take my ass outside at 4am with a fuggin bike pump and a set of full lungs, to put the air in that heffas tires so she could bone the fugg out.
MsP: How many times have you been arrested again?
Slaus: Uhm my momma aint gonna read this right? Momma, take yo ass on and do something productive! Ok. Like 4 times. Inciting a riot, lewd behavior, fighting, contempt of court.
MsP: Inciting a riot!? Lewd behavior!? Care to explain? (See what had happened was)…
Slaus: Yeah for real lol. What had happened was.. me and my boys were down in Mardi gras and we wanted to get beads like the chicks were. SO we figured we’d take our jibbys out, and let the women play ring toss. Cops arrested us for lewd behavior. I don’t know if it was the fact that 5 dudes had their jibby’s out, or the fact that this guy Corey had some redhead taking a picture of herself holding his bead adorned dack. Either way, we got arrested. We got those beads tho.
MsP: Have you ever felt breasts that felt like bags of sand?
Slaus: I’m a boob man. I think I’ve groped everything from a barely A to an E-cup. Shyt I remember this one love whose boobs were so big, her bra was prolly made by NASA. Size: Secret F n shyt. Kind of boobies where if you were chest sexin, you were not going to see your jibby poke out the other end... fo reaaaaal. Ego crushin but fun. But bags of sand? Nawl...
MsP: Ok so, Aretha Franklin titties or Oprah's? Would you hit it? Fanger it? Where’s Nupe when you need him???
Slaus: LOL What up Anonymous Nupe! Fanga Bang Productions baby! For real though? I’d be a gay ass gay, before I touch Aretha. Hell, I wouldn’t even know what was tiddy and what was belly or back fat rolled to the front. Hell to the no. And I would be afraid to grope Oprah, because I’m not even sure that sista is a human. I bet when no one is looking, she peels off her flesh and then she appears as just a being of light n shyt, like cocoon. Heffa just levitate about her mansion glowing to all be damned, sounding like that skull head astronaut villain in Scooby doo: Wooowooowoowoowowowoo.
MsP: Would you ever do the Angry Pirate to a female?
Slaus: LOL Not nevah! I’m not doing anything to jeopardize getting a repeat performance of a great blow job. If the Lord invented anything better than the Blow Job, she hid that ish for herself. I LOVE HEAD! I can for go sex, if the head includes the grand finish. Head is to Slaus, and spinach is to Popeye.
MsP: You once told me about a dream your friend had where he was playing offense to R Jay in a game of basketball, naked and he kept blocking the ball with his d*ck.Have you ever had any dreams like that? Have you ever had any dreams that made you go Oh Hell Nawl?
Slaus: I once dreamed I was giving Sailor Moon anal. How's THAT for fucked up! Who does that!? I boolshyt you not. It wasn’t really Sailor Moon, but it was someone dressed up LIKE Sailor Moon. I’m into some kinky ass kinky shyt, but that was ignant..... Wanna (Slaus’ wife) and I will prolly act that shyt out though. We have no good sense.
MsP: If Britney Spears and Amy Winehouse were the last two women on earth, which one would you have sex with?
Slaus: Hmmm I ain’t into blondes, and I love pale chicks with black hair. But Britney got more meat on her bones.... damn.. that's a toss up. Either way I wouldn’t tell anyone, AND I’d have to clean my jibby in hot bleach, holy water and cleansing waters of Lake Minnetonka.
MsP: Btw, boxers or briefs? Slaus: A Fat man aint supposed to wear briefs under ANY circumstance! If you catch my fat ass in some tighty whitey ass briefs, you can kick my ass. But then again the real question is.. why are you seeing me in my drawls in the first place girl! I'd have to say Boxer or Boxer briefs. I do have some tighties for emergencies though, aint gone lie.
MsP: Well Slaus, that's about all the time I have with you. Any final thoughts before we wrap this thing up?
Slaus: Can I clone you when it's legal? Come onnn! Be a team player. All you need to know is your clone would prolly have to wear a Cheetara costume, and you can't have me arrested for whatever happens next. Clone's ain’t got rights. Seriously, thanks for having me here today baby girl! I usually don't comply with anything beige people ask of me, but you're aiight in my book. I won't even have you sent to the work camps when I’m ruler of the USA. Oh, and all of you folks out there need to read Oh Hell Nawl every damn day! And if that's too raunchy n ignant for you: just check in every week to Oh Hell Nawl and read the strips! Oh yeah, none of you heffas better try to come out the woodwork and say I’m the father of your baby neither. That's how episodes of CSI get started.
MsP: What this? You have something against us light people? Are you just mad because I have a better chance of being related to Obama??? Humpf, hater…
Slaus: Basically. That’s why I ain’t voting for Obama. I ain’t tryna allow the resurgence of the yellow negro, to happen under MY watch. Fugg.That. And besides, his lips dark as hale. How you gonna be that light but then have black ass black lips. Looking like the Crow n shyt. “ It can’t rain ALL the time!” Lol see.. saying shyt like that, is why I wouldn’t be friends with me. But nawl I love Beige people. Love my darkies to. I like everybody. … but Dick Cheney.